100320- A joke

.....Today's the first day of spring. According to the calendar, anyway. With climate changes the past few years, the 'first robin' has been around for a couple of weeks. We may need to nominate a new sign of spring. How about "the first television series cancellation announcements"? "First shirtless jogger"? Or even, "first movie scheduled for Christmas DVD release"?

100319- A joke

.....How many Tea Party protesters does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Three. The first one screws it in, "as the founding fathers would have". The second one smashes it spitefully, "as the founding fathers would have". The third one blames Obama for the broken glass, "as the founding fathers would have".

100318- A joke

.....Speaking as someone who doesn't have any kinks or fetishes, I'd like to reassure those who do that, yes, you're not imagining things, it is indeed freaky when mass media pretends they've never heard of such things before. For instance, one of the latest practices they can't seem to get over is related to anthropomorphism: couples (and sometimes groups) dressing as animals. I don't get the appeal, but I also don't have a problem with couples doing things for each other rather than for me. Unfortunately there's a whole industry built around convincing the public that it needs protection ("make your checks payable to...") from this silliness. Sorry, but I can't seriously believe that mixing nookie and play-pretend is sufficient grounds for eternal damnation, as a cable preacher recently implied. Especially not the women dressed as cows or deer. Because after all, everybody knows hell hath no furries like a woman horned.

100317- A joke

.....For St. Patrick's Day, I felt I should forego tired old cracks about alcohol and leprechauns. I'm not above stealing material (a joke every day without fail is easy some days and nearly impossible others). The thing is, falling back on ethnic stereotypes feels even more lazy than it does offensive. I would like to think I had more self-respect than that. Instead, I'd like to use today's space to send out a warm, traditional Irish welcome to the man who has done the most to keep the spirit and memory of St.Patrick alive in these modern times: Mr. Samuel L. Jackson. Because let's face it, if you're overrun with snakes, who are the two people you think of?

100316- A joke

.....I knew a guy who tried to give up smoking. I told him that it's always tough but it would be worth it. The one thing he should remember though, is that sometimes when people fail it's for the same reason that dieters fail: they often get advised to use a "one-method-fits-all" treatment. It would work better if the treatment was tailored to the condition you want to change. I recommended he try the nicotine patch first. "If you crave a cigarette," I told him, "you use the patch instead. If the cravings are stronger than that, you use two, and so on. You see? You make the treatment match the need." That made sense to him. I got caught up in work for a while and it was months before I saw him again. When I did see him, I noticed he wasn't holding a cigarette. His face and hair seemed cleaner and he had a little more energy overall. I started up some small talk, but I was dying to ask him if he had really quit. When I did, he said, "Oh, yeah, it's been a while now. You were right about those patches." "Really?" I asked, "they worked that well?" "They sure did," he said, "they tasted horrible. And lighting them is nearly impossible."

100315- A joke

.....If you have an airplane that starts to break up at half the speed of sound, does that mean you should beware the ides of Mach?

100314- A joke

.....A religious conference was being conducted in the American South and delegates from all over the world were attending. A southern Baptist preacher went to an airport in D.C. to pick up two attendees that he offered to drive the rest of the way. He greeted the rabbi from Israel and the brahmin from India and once they reached the highway exit he told them, "Since we don't really need to register until tomorrow, I figured I'd treat you boys to the scenic route and get to know the real America. Y'all need a chance to see people who live Christianity every day, not just lecture about it." His two guests agreed this would be a good idea and as soon as they reached the Virginia border he chose an exit that would take them through farm country where they saw everything from Little League games to prisoner work details. They stopped at privately owned general stores and mini-strip malls, saw barbecue picnics and humble wooden churches.

.....In fact, they were enjoying themselves so much that they lost track of time. It was already pretty dark when they ran out of gas on a country road , and to make matters worse, it started raining heavily. Seeing a small farmhouse, they hurried to it and knocked on the door. Although it was late, the farmer answered warily and when the preacher explained the situation the farmer replied, "Well, come in out of he rain. You're certainly welcome to spend the night, but your real problem is they ain't no place to sleep. I only got one bed for me and the wife. The couch there is good for one more and I guess one of you could use my old army cot. But once you set that up there really isn't even any floor space. Tell you what though, that barn out back has gotta be dry as a bone. It don't look like much outside, but I make a point of keeping it water-proof. I can't afford any sick animals. But whoever sleeps out there would have to make do with a bale of hay."

....."This is not a problem," said the brahmin, "comfort is just a material concern. Many in my homeland survive with less. If I face a necessary hardship in this life it only means I will be that much closer to enlightenment in the next. I would be honored to sleep in the barn." With that settled, the farmer pointed out the path to the barn and the brahmin disappeared into the rain.

.....Twenty minutes later there was a knock on the door. It was the brahmin. "I apologize. I cannot tell you how embarrassing this is, but whenever I lay down on the hay, the cow nearest me would get up and move. They apparently are not accustomed to sleeping near humans. I cannot bring myself to cause an innocent animal discomfort. It could come to bear very negatively in my next life!" "Don't worry about it," said the rabbi. "There's no real harm done. You can take my place and I'll sleep in the barn. Jews have faced persecution for thousands of years. If the worst I have to complain about is roughing it for a night, I should consider myself lucky." And so the rabbi disappeared into the rain.

.....Twenty minutes later there was a knock on the door. "God strike me down for a fool! What was I thinking! Of course there are going to be pigs in the barn! As matter of fact, there were cloven hooves all over the place out there. I thought I could just ignore it, but... I can't sleep out there. It may be clean, but it isn't pure." "Oh, for cryin' out loud!" shouted the preacher. "I can't believe a bunch of grown men can't just make do! I never heard of such a ridiculous bunch of--" and continued blustering on his way out the door, "-- in all my days, so help me, Jesus, if I ever so much as--" and so on, his voice gradually fading as he made his way down the path, eventually lost in the sound of the rain.

.....Twnety minutes later there was a knock on the door. It was the pig and the cow.