100130- A joke

.....Have you noticed the inverse proportion of the speed at which people feel compelled to drive and the number of people waiting for them to get there?

100129- A joke

.....[To a teenage boy]: "I find it hard to believe that a young man with your looks can't find a date. I know for a fact that there are many girls your age who are really mad at their parents."

100128- A joke

.....Here's a tip for college women: if your parents know you met someone on spring break and start grilling you about him, when they ask, "How does he dress?", don't say, "Quickly".

100127- A joke

.....Q: How many religious fundamentalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only two, but they have to be married first... and very tiny.

100126- A joke

.....Andrew Lloyd Webber has announced that he's run out of classic works of literature to destroy and is now waiting for Judith Krantz novels to become public domain so that he can turn them into musicals.

100125- A joke

.....Now, Junior, I realize I may say it often, but when I asked you what the 'Golden Rule' was, I didn't mean, "If you get hungry enough, you'll eat it."

100124- A joke

.....Why do you care if the glass is half full or half empty? If it's only half a glass, chances are there are lip marks along the rim and if you had any sense you wouldn't be drinking out of it anyway. It isn't half full or half empty-- it's 100% used.