100220- A joke

.....Ten days ago I implied that people complaining about sex in movies were prudes. Someone once asked me, "Aren't you upset by sex on the television?" and I have to admit, I can't stand it myself. I keep falling off.

100219- A joke

.....This post is in fact the fiftieth consecutive day I have posted a joke or humorous observation. Although I had to resort to recycled material yesterday, I'm sort of proud (and surprised) that so much of it has been original up until now. I feel like celebrating but I'm not sure what's appropriate for a fifty day anniversary. I know fifty years is gold, twenty-five years is silver, tenth is tin, ...fifth is wood, I think, ...first is ...paper? isn't that the same as wood, though? Thirty- seventh is anthracite, I'm pretty sure. Sixty-second is cottage cheese. Eighteenth is boron. Actually, it might be boron or cobalt, I'm a little fuzzy on that. Twenty-ninth is traditionally a live heron but in modern times most people just go for any kind of wading bird. Forty-fourth is foreboding, you know, like in the poem. Um... fifty days ...geez, I feel like I should be getting you something but for the life of me I can't remember what the proper... oh, wait a minute... uh,... yeah, here you go. I just remembered that the commemoration for fifty days is a lint-covered mint. That must have been why I had one in my pocket just now.

100218- A joke

.....A receptionist buzzes the intercom to the doctor's office and says, "Doctor, there's a man in the waiting room with a frog on his head." The doctor rolls his eyes and replies, " Did you explain to him that the psychiatrist's office is down the hallway?" "I really think you'll want to see this for yourself, Doctor." A minute later the receptionist opens the door and leads the man in.
.....The doctor approaches the man, prepared to calmly explain that he doesn't have time to play games when he suddenly notices what the receptionist saw. The large bullfrog, nearly covering the man's bald head, wasn't merely sitting there but grafted seemlessly to his skin. The doctor is astounded. Not only are these two separate organisms, not only two separate species, but from two different branches of the animal kingdom: amphibian and mammal. They don't appear to be connected surgically; the soft underbelly of the frog gradually blends into the obviously human pores on the skin of the man's head.
....."This is incredible!" says the Doctor. "I -- I don't even know where to begin! How did this ever happen?" "Well," says the frog, "it started with a pimple on my ass."

100217- A joke

.....Did you hear about the Jeffrey Dahmer lunchbox? It's just the right size for kids.

100216- A joke

.....You've probably heard of the "Chicken Soup" franchise of books, the ones filled with wistful anecdotes and obviously fabricated "true" stories with fascistic spiritual overtones. They have titles like: "Chicken Soup for the Skier's Soul" and "Chicken Soup for the Dentist's Soul" and "Chicken Soup for the [fill-in-the-blank]'s Soul". I've always contended that those titles were all misnomers. The people who read those books don't have souls.

100215- A joke

.....Regardless of what you may have heard, today is not Presidents' Day. Lincoln was born Feb. 12th and Washington was born Feb. 22nd. Nobody was ever born on "whatever Monday is". No, today is a holiday so popular we have it several times a year. It's Cheap Candy Day! Right along with July 5th, November 1st, December 26th and Whatever Monday Is in April.

100214- A joke

.....This year we are blessed with the rare occassion of Chinese New Year's Day falling on the same day as Valentine's Day. It's so unusual that we actually don't have any prepared rituals or customs to commemorate it... so, um... uh... go to the video store and rent "Dragonheart"? Does that sound good? No? How about "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon?" That's a love story... among other things... um,... that running across the trees thing looks totally fake, but it's still really beautiful... so, that's kind of like Valentine's Day, right?
.....{Whew... Smoo-o-o-o-oth...}