100306- A joke

.....My friend hasn't come back from the Winter Olympics yet. I heard he saw a billboard that said, "Drink Canada Dry" and took it as a personal challenge.

100305- A joke

.....The strange thing about babies and cars (#3) is that after seven years you feel like trading them in.

100304- A joke

.....The strange thing about babies and cars (#2) is that many need stricter emissions standards.

100303- A joke

.....The strange thing about babies and cars (#1) is that everyone wants to smell them when they're new but nobody wants to smell the factory.

100302- A joke

.....If there's anything worse than recording artists who can't sing using autotune programs to pretend that they can, it's artists who can sing using autotune programs to pretend that they can't. Why are people like Mary J. Blige wasting their time with robotic voices? Could you imagine the Metropolitan Opera hiring Luciano Pavarotti or Leontyne Price twenty years ago, and then when they got there handing them a kazoo and saying, "All the kids are doing it?"

100301- A joke

.....If I've learned anything from my dog, it's that sometimes you just have to stop and pee on the roses.

100228- A joke

.....Back in the 1970's, the Canadian government was having problems with indigenous peoples' separatist movements, sometimes leading to bloody confrontations. Considering the longer and more contentious relationship the U.S. government had with its own native population, many in the U.S. suggested a little preventative maintenance might be in order. "Poppycock," said a long-serving congressman, "we've always got somebody on top of those things." He seemed a little surprised when someone pointed out to him that he was on a congressional committee overseeing what were then called "Indian Affairs" himself, and his attendance wasn't exactly sparkling. "Well, I guess it couldn't hurt to kiss a few hands and shake a few babies." He arranged a speaking engagement at a reservation the next week.
.....When the congressman arrived the local leader acting as his aide-de-camp was friendly enough, but hardly enthusiastic. "It's good of you to come out here," he said. "Uhh... I can't make you any promises..." "Oh, don't worry about the accomodations," smiled the congressman. The local leader raised an eyebrow and was about to speak when the congressman spotted the podium. Sighing, the leader introduced him and the room remained silent. The congressman thought that was odd and suddenly wished he was more familiar with the culture, to know if there was any significance to that. "I am so glad to see you all here tonight," he said to the crowd filling the tiny function hall. More silence. "I come here from Washington to tell you that we hear your concerns." Nothing. He wished there was some reaction to gauge how this was going over, but the light-bulb made more noise than the audience. "All of us in the legislature are doing whatever is possible to meet the needs of America's native people." Suddenly, all the men in the audience shot one fist in the air and shouted, "HOO-rah!" The congressman was momentarily taken aback. "Well, that's certainly better than polite applause at the Rotary," he thought to himself. Emboldened, he went on with his speech. "We will provide the finest schools for your children." "HOO-rah!" came the response. "You will always be able count on our word." "HOO-RAH!" , and so on. It ended with the congressman smiling, waving and nodding his head as he made his way back through the curtains. There, the local leader greeted him and shrugged, "Well, I suppose you'll want to get back to your flight." "Oh, there's no hurry," said the congressman. "I figure as long as I'm out here I might as well take some photos. Y'know, publicity. Plus, you've got some beautiful country out here." The local leader seemed to be staring right through him. "Uhh... really? I mean... yeah, sure. Yeah, the mountains are really gorgeous but there's not much around here except the cattle pasture." The congressman smiled, "Hey, I grew up on a farm... state. That's fine with me." "Okay," said the local leader, "I can show you around. But those are some pretty nice looking shoes. Make sure you don't step in the hoorah."