100407- A joke

.....Another cliche that really needs to be retired is, "A face that could stop a clock". It only makes sense for mechanical clocks that run on counterbalanced weights that can be thrown off by severe shocks. While it's possible that there are still specialist craftsmen somewhere in the world building purely wooden cuckoo clocks out of a loving sense of red-eyed spite, that's just not something that's common to most people's experience anymore. Not only are most clocks digital readouts, but even mechanical sweep-hand clocks run on electrical current. You can turn them upside and shake them and they don't lose time, let alone stop. Normally in these cases all you'd have to do is just exchange outdated technology for modern, relevant technology the way Bob Hope used to use the same jokes repeatedly for sixty years. Hope exploited the pathological laziness and bigotry of the entertainment industry and their propensity for pigeon-holing people according to physical appearance. Jokes about Billy Barty became jokes about Paul Williams became jokes about Gary Coleman. Jokes about Jane Mansfield became jokes about Marilyn Monroe became jokes about Ursula Andress became jokes about Dolly Parton became jokes about Pamela Anderson... He stopped writing new material in 1935.

.....Anyway, the problem with the "stop a clock" cliche is that most of the things that react to sudden violence yield positive results these days, and the cliche is intended to be an insult. Somehow, "You've got a face that could light a glow-stick" or "You've got a face that gets my remote to work" just doesn't have the same gravitas. You can't go too far in the other direction, either. "You've got a face that could snap a baby's vertebrae" goes wa-ay over the line beyond snide put-down. The whole point is to straddle the line between playfulness and condescension, which is more difficult than it sounds. That's the reason people continue using the same phrases even after they've become cliches and even after they've passed the point where their derivation makes any logical sense. It's just so hard to find a replacement. Until something better comes along, I suggest "You've got a face that Dick Cheney deserves."