130105- A joke

Well, I suppose we could put one more nail into the coffin of 2012. How about a song parody?

"You've got an ass that's as wide
_as a pantry shelf
You could fill up a theatre
_row by-y yourself
And you act like the only
_one who-o can't tell
Oh-ho-ho,
You don't know your booty's full."

110520- A joke

.....If you live in the U.S. you may have heard about the fundamentalist Christian who predicted that Armageddon begins tomorrow. (Can you believe he's a self-taught biblical scholar?) According to his interpretation of scripture, the devout will be taken to heaven in the Rapture and the rest of us will stand in the corner and think about what we've done until we all burst into flames in October. You see, one of the problems with self-taught scholars is that they're not always aware of the idiosyncrasies of ancient languages. The books of the Bible have gone through multiple translations, after all, and not everyone is familiar with all of the "i-before-e" type exceptions to the rules in Aramaic and Babylonian. I suspect the whole thing is just a matter of misspelling. Considering how many people in the Bible Belt are overweight, it's more likely that they'll experience the Rupture.

110519- A joke

.....My hair doesn't look good today. When that happens I usually assume that I've slept on it the wrong way, but in this case I think I'm just standing under it incorrectly.

100407- A joke

.....Another cliche that really needs to be retired is, "A face that could stop a clock". It only makes sense for mechanical clocks that run on counterbalanced weights that can be thrown off by severe shocks. While it's possible that there are still specialist craftsmen somewhere in the world building purely wooden cuckoo clocks out of a loving sense of red-eyed spite, that's just not something that's common to most people's experience anymore. Not only are most clocks digital readouts, but even mechanical sweep-hand clocks run on electrical current. You can turn them upside and shake them and they don't lose time, let alone stop. Normally in these cases all you'd have to do is just exchange outdated technology for modern, relevant technology the way Bob Hope used to use the same jokes repeatedly for sixty years. Hope exploited the pathological laziness and bigotry of the entertainment industry and their propensity for pigeon-holing people according to physical appearance. Jokes about Billy Barty became jokes about Paul Williams became jokes about Gary Coleman. Jokes about Jane Mansfield became jokes about Marilyn Monroe became jokes about Ursula Andress became jokes about Dolly Parton became jokes about Pamela Anderson... He stopped writing new material in 1935.

.....Anyway, the problem with the "stop a clock" cliche is that most of the things that react to sudden violence yield positive results these days, and the cliche is intended to be an insult. Somehow, "You've got a face that could light a glow-stick" or "You've got a face that gets my remote to work" just doesn't have the same gravitas. You can't go too far in the other direction, either. "You've got a face that could snap a baby's vertebrae" goes wa-ay over the line beyond snide put-down. The whole point is to straddle the line between playfulness and condescension, which is more difficult than it sounds. That's the reason people continue using the same phrases even after they've become cliches and even after they've passed the point where their derivation makes any logical sense. It's just so hard to find a replacement. Until something better comes along, I suggest "You've got a face that Dick Cheney deserves."

100401- Menu Options

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100207- A joke

.....[To a teenage boy:] "You shouldn't say you're unattractive. I'll have you know that many cultures consider a nose that size to be a sign of virility. And if we were in one of those cultures, you'd understand that."

100129- A joke

.....[To a teenage boy]: "I find it hard to believe that a young man with your looks can't find a date. I know for a fact that there are many girls your age who are really mad at their parents."

100122- A joke

.....I saw some guy at a party recently showing off his trophy wife. I'm guessing it was for bowling.

100114- A joke

.....I'm not really sure how to promote myself, romantically. Sometimes I keep it vague and say I have "rugged good looks", which is technically true. If they were any more rugged you could use them to take barnacles off the sides of ships.