130106- A joke

Actually, I'm feeling fairly optimistic about the New Year. For one thing, I know for a fact that I'll be exercising more than last year if only because it isn't at all possible for me to exercise any less.

110527- A joke

.....Just out of curiosity, how long do you have to talk to someone before you start thinking to yourself, "If they gave this person a CAT scan, they'd find an actual cat"?

110518- A joke

.....In today's headlines the head of the IMF has been arrested for the sexual assault of a native African working in a New York hotel. It says he's on a suicide watch. Considering what the IMF has done to Africa, they shouldn't have too much difficulty finding volunteers to watch that.

100512- A joke

.....If you are uncomfortable or having difficulty discussing erectile dysfunction with your doctor, gently remind him that his problems really aren't your responsibility and you just want to get that toe looked at.

100502- A joke

.....Thank you for participating in our Online Psychic Aptitude Test. If you've received this e-mail it means that your check has cleared. Please allot yourself 60 seconds to answer each of the following questions:

1. How many fingers am I holding up? ___________
2. What is my favorite color? ___________
3. On what floor is our office located? ___________
4. In what city is our office located? ___________
5. What is the name of our CEO? ___________
6. Under what US statutes is this business considered fraudulent? __________, _________, _________, and _________

.....For those of you who know whether your answers are correct, congratulations! You are psychics. For those of you who can not ascertain if your answers are correct, please send another check to the same address.

100429- A joke

.....You may occasionally hear or read warnings about identity theft. I think that if someone stole my identity that the most appropriate punishment would be to force them to keep it.

100428- A joke

.....Tomorrow it will have been a week since Earth Day. I don't know about you, but I still hear a little bit every day about ecological efforts, unlike previous years where you got one day of lip service and then it was back to the bad old habits the next day. Everybody seems to be touting 'green' programs. For instance, Comcast seems to be putting all of its efforts into discouraging people from using electricity in any capacity whatsoever.

100409- A joke

.....I can't believe news outlets are ignoring genuine issues in order to squander airtime babbling about the new television ad from Nike with Tiger Woods. If you haven't seen it, the visuals are a single 30-second shot of Woods in an extremely slow zoom-in but the audio is a clip of his late father's voice taken from an interview. His father seems to be answering a question about what he would ask his son. The last thing we hear him say is, "have you learned anything?" and then the visuals cut to a white Nike symbol in the middle of a solid black background. I'll tell you what I've learned from all this: "Just Do It" is just as idiotic a lifestyle model as it is advice for buying shoes.

100407- A joke

.....Another cliche that really needs to be retired is, "A face that could stop a clock". It only makes sense for mechanical clocks that run on counterbalanced weights that can be thrown off by severe shocks. While it's possible that there are still specialist craftsmen somewhere in the world building purely wooden cuckoo clocks out of a loving sense of red-eyed spite, that's just not something that's common to most people's experience anymore. Not only are most clocks digital readouts, but even mechanical sweep-hand clocks run on electrical current. You can turn them upside and shake them and they don't lose time, let alone stop. Normally in these cases all you'd have to do is just exchange outdated technology for modern, relevant technology the way Bob Hope used to use the same jokes repeatedly for sixty years. Hope exploited the pathological laziness and bigotry of the entertainment industry and their propensity for pigeon-holing people according to physical appearance. Jokes about Billy Barty became jokes about Paul Williams became jokes about Gary Coleman. Jokes about Jane Mansfield became jokes about Marilyn Monroe became jokes about Ursula Andress became jokes about Dolly Parton became jokes about Pamela Anderson... He stopped writing new material in 1935.

.....Anyway, the problem with the "stop a clock" cliche is that most of the things that react to sudden violence yield positive results these days, and the cliche is intended to be an insult. Somehow, "You've got a face that could light a glow-stick" or "You've got a face that gets my remote to work" just doesn't have the same gravitas. You can't go too far in the other direction, either. "You've got a face that could snap a baby's vertebrae" goes wa-ay over the line beyond snide put-down. The whole point is to straddle the line between playfulness and condescension, which is more difficult than it sounds. That's the reason people continue using the same phrases even after they've become cliches and even after they've passed the point where their derivation makes any logical sense. It's just so hard to find a replacement. Until something better comes along, I suggest "You've got a face that Dick Cheney deserves."

100404- A joke

.....You don't hear people complain too much about the commercialization of Easter the same way they complain about the commercialization of Christmas. It could be that Easter coincides with most people's spring cleaning and they're psychologically more prepared to divest themselves of material clutter and clear things out than to 'harvest' doo-dads at year's end. They devote less time to outdoor light displays when the nights get shorter and the sun's arc takes it higher. Then, there's the simple fact that most of the pop-culture trappings we associate with both holidays were clearly stolen from pagan rites and customs with the deliberate purpose of undermining what were then rival faiths. Knowing this, early state governments in this country banned most Christmas celebrations for years. No such outrage over Easter. Of course, when you think about it, exchanging traditional, historical imagery such as crucifixion (Sado-Masochism) and resurrection (necromancy) for purloined pagan fertility symbols like chocolate (opiates) and rabbits (sex addiction) might just be seen as an upgrade in some quarters.

100307- A joke

.....The thing that distinguishes 'sports radio' from other radio formats is that 'sports radio' is where people with tiny walnuts in their skulls scream about people with tiny walnuts in their pants.

100306- A joke

.....My friend hasn't come back from the Winter Olympics yet. I heard he saw a billboard that said, "Drink Canada Dry" and took it as a personal challenge.

100304- A joke

.....The strange thing about babies and cars (#2) is that many need stricter emissions standards.

100228- A joke

.....Back in the 1970's, the Canadian government was having problems with indigenous peoples' separatist movements, sometimes leading to bloody confrontations. Considering the longer and more contentious relationship the U.S. government had with its own native population, many in the U.S. suggested a little preventative maintenance might be in order. "Poppycock," said a long-serving congressman, "we've always got somebody on top of those things." He seemed a little surprised when someone pointed out to him that he was on a congressional committee overseeing what were then called "Indian Affairs" himself, and his attendance wasn't exactly sparkling. "Well, I guess it couldn't hurt to kiss a few hands and shake a few babies." He arranged a speaking engagement at a reservation the next week.
.....When the congressman arrived the local leader acting as his aide-de-camp was friendly enough, but hardly enthusiastic. "It's good of you to come out here," he said. "Uhh... I can't make you any promises..." "Oh, don't worry about the accomodations," smiled the congressman. The local leader raised an eyebrow and was about to speak when the congressman spotted the podium. Sighing, the leader introduced him and the room remained silent. The congressman thought that was odd and suddenly wished he was more familiar with the culture, to know if there was any significance to that. "I am so glad to see you all here tonight," he said to the crowd filling the tiny function hall. More silence. "I come here from Washington to tell you that we hear your concerns." Nothing. He wished there was some reaction to gauge how this was going over, but the light-bulb made more noise than the audience. "All of us in the legislature are doing whatever is possible to meet the needs of America's native people." Suddenly, all the men in the audience shot one fist in the air and shouted, "HOO-rah!" The congressman was momentarily taken aback. "Well, that's certainly better than polite applause at the Rotary," he thought to himself. Emboldened, he went on with his speech. "We will provide the finest schools for your children." "HOO-rah!" came the response. "You will always be able count on our word." "HOO-RAH!" , and so on. It ended with the congressman smiling, waving and nodding his head as he made his way back through the curtains. There, the local leader greeted him and shrugged, "Well, I suppose you'll want to get back to your flight." "Oh, there's no hurry," said the congressman. "I figure as long as I'm out here I might as well take some photos. Y'know, publicity. Plus, you've got some beautiful country out here." The local leader seemed to be staring right through him. "Uhh... really? I mean... yeah, sure. Yeah, the mountains are really gorgeous but there's not much around here except the cattle pasture." The congressman smiled, "Hey, I grew up on a farm... state. That's fine with me." "Okay," said the local leader, "I can show you around. But those are some pretty nice looking shoes. Make sure you don't step in the hoorah."

100224- A joke

.....A tour guide out at the wharf was playing up the area's colonial history, even affecting a period persona. "Aye", he said, "there be pirates on these shores even to this very day!" "Pirates?" cried one tourist incredulously. "They attack countries without coast guards or out in the middle of the ocean beyond jurisdiction. There haven't been organized pirates around here since the Civil War!" The guard squinted. "Err... oh, really? Well I says there is!" "All right", said the tourist, "prove it. Just show me a pirate." The crowd turned and looked at the tour guide, who was sweating but determined not to break character.
.....The guide looked around the large but sparsely populated docks and then pointed. "There! You see? That... rugged old gentleman with his hands shoved deep in his pockets? Well, you may think they're both hands, but one of them is solid, cold metal. That there is none other than Harry the Hook!" "Harry the Hook?" repeated the skeptical tourist. "Aye! Once while harpoonin' a... a... a narwahl," and the guide looked around to make sure the crowd was following him on this,"he was a-haulin' it up on deck when it lunged and swallered his prize telescope!" The tourist rolled his eyes. "Well, he weren't gonna stand fer that from no fish! He grabbed the horn with one hand and put one boot on its lower jaw and reached in... ah, but the boot slipped and the beastie bit his hand clear off!" Most of the crowd gave a startled jump and a look of concern. "Of course, medicine being what it is on a pirate ship, all they could for him was fashion the hook he wears to this day. And that's why they call him Harry the Hook."
....."Oh, come on!" pleaded the skeptic. "You can't expect us to believe that in this day and age... and anyway, you said there were 'pirates'-- that's plural, with an 's'. You got any more vagrants with their hands in their pockets?" The guide squinted again and thought, "I might, I might". He had to look a few more seconds this time but finally pointed and said, "Ah-ha! That gentleman you see limpin' over there. That limp doesn't come from the gout, oh, no. That's because that man there is none other than the notorious Peg-Leg Pete!" The crowd had all turned as one to stare at the disheveled drunk and together made a quiet 'ooooh' sound. "Oh, for the love of-- are you people serious?" shouted the skeptic. "Can't you see what he's doing here? The next thing you know, he's going to start telling you some phony-baloney story about him prying open a shark's mouth when his foot slipped and the shark bites it off! So, unless you're willing to go up to some totally skeevy-looking stranger and pull his boots off, he's free to say, 'there you go, that there is how he got the name Peg-Leg Pete'!" The guide was clenching his teeth when suddenly his face brightened and he straightened his back. "So you've heard of him?" said the guide. For the first time the tourist was speechless. "I must apologize," the guide continued, "I had no idea you were an expert. In fact, had I known I would have offered you the advanced tour we normally reserve for graduate students from the colleges." The guide began to lead the now totally confused skeptic past a boathouse they had been standing near. "You see, most people find it a bit stuffy and academic for their vacation, but you? Oh, I can see you're a man of learning, a man of real depth..." he continued as the two of them disappeared around the back of the boathouse, leaving the crowd silently perplexed. They stared at each other, the sky, their own feet, each other again, etc. Then there came a few minutes of shuffling, banging and clattering from behind the boathouse. It had stopped for a few minutes when the guide slowly emerged around the corner.
.....The crowd stared blankly at the guide until one of them asked the obvious question, "What happened to that other guy?" "Oh, him?" gasped the guide, "well, he got so caught up in our conversation, it inspired him to go off and become a pirate himself!" The members of the crowd looked at each other in pleasant surprise and there were a few 'oh, my's. "Of course," continued the guide, "you'll probably know him by his pirate name from now on. He'll be known as Woody Woodpecker."

100221- A joke

.....After several hours of heated debate in Congress over environmental regulations a brief break in the proceedings allowed several members to stretch their legs. A liberal congressman who had been arguing for tighter restrictions on pollution headed for the restroom but noticed a vocal right-wing opponent already at the urinals. Rather than provoke a conflict, the liberal congressman pretended to wash his hands until his right-wing colleague was finished. As they switched places, the right-wing congressman couldn't help but notice the liberal congressman moving towards the urinals from the sink and commented, "You know, in a conservative Christian household we're taught from a very young age to clean up after we've relieved ourselves." The liberal congressman snapped back, "The rest of us don't have to be told not to piss on our hands in the first place."

100217- A joke

.....Did you hear about the Jeffrey Dahmer lunchbox? It's just the right size for kids.

100208- A joke

.....Baby, you've got that little extra something. I think it's a chromosome.

100207- A joke

.....[To a teenage boy:] "You shouldn't say you're unattractive. I'll have you know that many cultures consider a nose that size to be a sign of virility. And if we were in one of those cultures, you'd understand that."

100121- A joke

.....[Greeting a third party]: "Hi, [A], I'm glad you came by. I was just telling [B] here about you, and, you know, it's always nice to have proof."