2019-01-15 Sometimes the best presents are homemade.

I haven't used this blog in a while because, frankly, there hasn't been much to feel funny about in the last three years. That's not to say that there hasn't been much to laugh at, just that much more to enrage. And it looks increasingly that that's not an accident. The United States, and the world that has invested much in it and its ideals, has been under attack and not by starving Guatemalans.

First of all, the criminal mob running Russia spent a lot of money to...

...in our election .Their puppet still wants to spend all of our money on...

...that he promised others would pay for. And China, who wanted to get..

...have beaten us to...

Much of what made these things possible has been...

...on the part of voters almost three years ago and the...

...they put into office. They wouldn't listen to scientists, intelligence experts, actuaries or anyone with first hand experience or a lifetime devoted to studying the effects of their policies. All they heard was...

...and the...

of well-paid right-wing provocateurs on TV, cable, radio, newspapers and online services (who, without any sense of irony, perpetually complain about the left-wing controlling the media) and their...

...of propaganda disguised (not well) as news.  Facts and even the sense that there is any objective truth became...

...and led anybody who still hadn't lost their mind to ask,...

All of this gave the country little choice but to turn over the House of Representatives to a different political party by voting in young, motivated and vocal legislators last year. Unfortunately, their party is still run by...

...of...

...without a...

It still provides a...

...in the...

...for the next election. There's plenty to indicate that...

...will..

...in...

And...

...if our previous President is reading this by any chance...

160401 No joke

Well, it's been a while but I read a news report that the Chinese government's official news agency released an announcement to the effect that April Fool's day is a distinctly Western tradition at odds with Chinese culture and should be shunned by loyal Chinese citizens. It's reception has generally been that people are assuming that the announcement itself is an April Fool's joke. Could be, although the Chinese government are hardly known for their sense of humor. Still, this means one of two things must be possible: either the report was real and humor is being seriously threatened for a big chunk of the world's population; or the report was a joke and the Chinese government has therefore told more jokes than this blog for the calendar year. In either case, I can not allow this to stand. I've got to return to some semblance of productivity and I've got to do it in the form of a grand gesture. Or a hand gesture. No, no, a grand gesture would be better. What I need to do is unearth the great lost plays of William Shakespeare. I'll release their titles, one every day, for the rest of April. All that remains now is to make up 29 unseen Shakespeare plays.

130104- A joke

So, NRA honcho Wayne LaPierre has stated, pretty forcefully, that the national response to the recent spate of mass killings should not be reinstating the ban on the only weapons that make such multiple murders possible. Instead, he insists, there should be stricter mental health screenings involved. Ohboyohboyohboy... this definitely comes under the heading of "Be careful what you wish for." I'm guessing ol' Wayne hasn't read very much O. Henry or seen too many episodes of "The Twilight Zone". It would be kind of embarrassing for somebody whose job was to speak for a firearms lobby to have to tell people he's not allowed to own a gun just because he's crazier than an outhouse rat.

110518- A joke

.....In today's headlines the head of the IMF has been arrested for the sexual assault of a native African working in a New York hotel. It says he's on a suicide watch. Considering what the IMF has done to Africa, they shouldn't have too much difficulty finding volunteers to watch that.

100508- A joke

.....Here's one for long rides: which is larger, the percentage of twenty-somethings who know and use the phrase "dial-tone" without ever having used (or even seen) a rotary phone, or the percentage of forty-somethings who think they understand the subtleties of constitutional law without ever having opened a legal dictionary?

100429- A joke

.....You may occasionally hear or read warnings about identity theft. I think that if someone stole my identity that the most appropriate punishment would be to force them to keep it.

100419- A joke

.....No animals were harmed during the making of this motion picture. The wrap party, on the other hand, is a different story altogether.

100410- A joke

.....This post is in fact the one hundredth consecutive daily post on this blog. As it becomes increasingly difficult to come up with original ideas on demand, I've noticed that since the fifty day mark that I've been using more long stories and topical jokes. Attributable quotes would be next, I guess, followed by cribbing Bazooka Joe comics and Snapple lids. Of course, I'm even more embarrassed that I haven't used the past seven weeks to nail down these tricky daily anniversary commemorations. For instance, a one hundred year anniversary would be celebrated with a gift of platinum (I think), seventy-fifth with diamond, fiftieth with gold, etc. Of course, once you get below the fortieth (rubies), the traditional list and modern list become radically different. That's because the modern list is a shameless, obvious scam. The later anniversaries are all the same because they're already remembered with precious stones and metals. They're already expensive and besides that, fewer people reach those anniversaries. Between death and divorce, there are far more people reaching their fifth anniversary than their seventy-fifth. The so-called modern list is an attempt to move the more expensive materials to the more common earlier anniversaries: the second anniversary, cotton, becomes china (previously twentieth) on the modern list; the twentieth becomes platinum. Leather becomes crystal, fruit becomes appliances (ooooh, romantic), wood becomes silverware and in an oddly specific turn wool becomes desk sets. This sounds less like a way to renew the bonds in your life and more like a stranger's attempt to empty a crowded warehouse. I say we just skip the pretense and insist that all anniversaries be marked with the elements on the tail-end of the periodic table. Accept nothing with an atomic number less than one hundred. These are the sort of materials whose nuclei are so massive that they can only exist if they're synthesized in a laboratory, and even then they almost spontaneously tear themselves apart. What better way to say that our time together is precious than with something that can't even exist for more than a fraction of a second? And best of all, the process is so expensive it nearly guarantees bankruptcy for most young couples early on, eliminating the need to memorize the rest of these silly lists.

100404- A joke

.....You don't hear people complain too much about the commercialization of Easter the same way they complain about the commercialization of Christmas. It could be that Easter coincides with most people's spring cleaning and they're psychologically more prepared to divest themselves of material clutter and clear things out than to 'harvest' doo-dads at year's end. They devote less time to outdoor light displays when the nights get shorter and the sun's arc takes it higher. Then, there's the simple fact that most of the pop-culture trappings we associate with both holidays were clearly stolen from pagan rites and customs with the deliberate purpose of undermining what were then rival faiths. Knowing this, early state governments in this country banned most Christmas celebrations for years. No such outrage over Easter. Of course, when you think about it, exchanging traditional, historical imagery such as crucifixion (Sado-Masochism) and resurrection (necromancy) for purloined pagan fertility symbols like chocolate (opiates) and rabbits (sex addiction) might just be seen as an upgrade in some quarters.

100313- A joke

.....With baseball season starting up, the professional leagues have finally decided to do a little preventative maintenance regarding steroid abuse. From the perspective of management, the problems don't stem from the abuse but from getting caught when it becomes so comically obvious that even congressmen notice. So, to prevent things getting that far out of hand the owners have opted for the 'theme park' approach. From now on at the doors to each of the locker rooms there will be a die-cut plywood cartoon character with an outstretched hand and a word balloon reading, "You must be this tall and able to scratch your ass with both hands to play this game!"

100312- A joke

.....For a lot of people of my generation and younger, workplace sensitivity training feels much like being told how to tie your shoes. When you're thirty years old. And the people instructing you are wearing velcro boots.

100311- A joke

.....I was wondering: can you legally change your name to "Guess"? And if so, exactly what is the procedure if you're stopped by a policeman?

100310- A joke

.....Have you been swept in right-wing pseudo-Christian hysteria during the last thirty years? Have you said a lot of rabidly intolerant, decidedly un-Christian things? In print? On video? Worried that people you know might find that online screed from a few years ago where you declared that left-handed people were evil and should be publicly executed? Embarrassing, isn't it? Well, rather than pretend that your mistakes didn't happen, or that they aren't mistakes, why not own up to them and learn from them? Rather than pretend that there's a religious basis for your behavior, you could actually have a religious basis for your behavior. Just ask yourself: WWBRFD? What Would Buddha Refrain From Doing?

100228- A joke

.....Back in the 1970's, the Canadian government was having problems with indigenous peoples' separatist movements, sometimes leading to bloody confrontations. Considering the longer and more contentious relationship the U.S. government had with its own native population, many in the U.S. suggested a little preventative maintenance might be in order. "Poppycock," said a long-serving congressman, "we've always got somebody on top of those things." He seemed a little surprised when someone pointed out to him that he was on a congressional committee overseeing what were then called "Indian Affairs" himself, and his attendance wasn't exactly sparkling. "Well, I guess it couldn't hurt to kiss a few hands and shake a few babies." He arranged a speaking engagement at a reservation the next week.
.....When the congressman arrived the local leader acting as his aide-de-camp was friendly enough, but hardly enthusiastic. "It's good of you to come out here," he said. "Uhh... I can't make you any promises..." "Oh, don't worry about the accomodations," smiled the congressman. The local leader raised an eyebrow and was about to speak when the congressman spotted the podium. Sighing, the leader introduced him and the room remained silent. The congressman thought that was odd and suddenly wished he was more familiar with the culture, to know if there was any significance to that. "I am so glad to see you all here tonight," he said to the crowd filling the tiny function hall. More silence. "I come here from Washington to tell you that we hear your concerns." Nothing. He wished there was some reaction to gauge how this was going over, but the light-bulb made more noise than the audience. "All of us in the legislature are doing whatever is possible to meet the needs of America's native people." Suddenly, all the men in the audience shot one fist in the air and shouted, "HOO-rah!" The congressman was momentarily taken aback. "Well, that's certainly better than polite applause at the Rotary," he thought to himself. Emboldened, he went on with his speech. "We will provide the finest schools for your children." "HOO-rah!" came the response. "You will always be able count on our word." "HOO-RAH!" , and so on. It ended with the congressman smiling, waving and nodding his head as he made his way back through the curtains. There, the local leader greeted him and shrugged, "Well, I suppose you'll want to get back to your flight." "Oh, there's no hurry," said the congressman. "I figure as long as I'm out here I might as well take some photos. Y'know, publicity. Plus, you've got some beautiful country out here." The local leader seemed to be staring right through him. "Uhh... really? I mean... yeah, sure. Yeah, the mountains are really gorgeous but there's not much around here except the cattle pasture." The congressman smiled, "Hey, I grew up on a farm... state. That's fine with me." "Okay," said the local leader, "I can show you around. But those are some pretty nice looking shoes. Make sure you don't step in the hoorah."

100221- A joke

.....After several hours of heated debate in Congress over environmental regulations a brief break in the proceedings allowed several members to stretch their legs. A liberal congressman who had been arguing for tighter restrictions on pollution headed for the restroom but noticed a vocal right-wing opponent already at the urinals. Rather than provoke a conflict, the liberal congressman pretended to wash his hands until his right-wing colleague was finished. As they switched places, the right-wing congressman couldn't help but notice the liberal congressman moving towards the urinals from the sink and commented, "You know, in a conservative Christian household we're taught from a very young age to clean up after we've relieved ourselves." The liberal congressman snapped back, "The rest of us don't have to be told not to piss on our hands in the first place."

100219- A joke

.....This post is in fact the fiftieth consecutive day I have posted a joke or humorous observation. Although I had to resort to recycled material yesterday, I'm sort of proud (and surprised) that so much of it has been original up until now. I feel like celebrating but I'm not sure what's appropriate for a fifty day anniversary. I know fifty years is gold, twenty-five years is silver, tenth is tin, ...fifth is wood, I think, ...first is ...paper? isn't that the same as wood, though? Thirty- seventh is anthracite, I'm pretty sure. Sixty-second is cottage cheese. Eighteenth is boron. Actually, it might be boron or cobalt, I'm a little fuzzy on that. Twenty-ninth is traditionally a live heron but in modern times most people just go for any kind of wading bird. Forty-fourth is foreboding, you know, like in the poem. Um... fifty days ...geez, I feel like I should be getting you something but for the life of me I can't remember what the proper... oh, wait a minute... uh,... yeah, here you go. I just remembered that the commemoration for fifty days is a lint-covered mint. That must have been why I had one in my pocket just now.

100215- A joke

.....Regardless of what you may have heard, today is not Presidents' Day. Lincoln was born Feb. 12th and Washington was born Feb. 22nd. Nobody was ever born on "whatever Monday is". No, today is a holiday so popular we have it several times a year. It's Cheap Candy Day! Right along with July 5th, November 1st, December 26th and Whatever Monday Is in April.

100214- A joke

.....This year we are blessed with the rare occassion of Chinese New Year's Day falling on the same day as Valentine's Day. It's so unusual that we actually don't have any prepared rituals or customs to commemorate it... so, um... uh... go to the video store and rent "Dragonheart"? Does that sound good? No? How about "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon?" That's a love story... among other things... um,... that running across the trees thing looks totally fake, but it's still really beautiful... so, that's kind of like Valentine's Day, right?
.....{Whew... Smoo-o-o-o-oth...}

100130- A joke

.....Have you noticed the inverse proportion of the speed at which people feel compelled to drive and the number of people waiting for them to get there?

100127- A joke

.....Q: How many religious fundamentalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only two, but they have to be married first... and very tiny.