110529- A joke

.....Today's joke is brought to you in the original theatrical perspective, fully restored to the director's cut.

110525- A joke

.....I don't know why pundits keep speculating about the possibility of Sarah Palin running for president. In her new self-aggrandizing documentary, one of the few people singing her praises is Andrew Breitbart. That's like saying, "Friends? Sure, I've got friends! Charles Manson still answers my letters..."

110521- A joke

.....I've heard the news out of Cannes recently. Director Lars Von Trier was banned for comments that he understood Hitler. Von Trier apologized and said he meant it as a joke. Considering what an ass he's always been, I actually find it more believable that he would find that funny than that he would empathize with anyone. Still, the festival organizers aren't letting him back in. There has to be a more direct way of saying "Ten years ago we sat through your excruciatingly painful movies because you showed a lot of promise and thought you were finding your voice. It took us this long to figure out that was your voice."

100516- A joke

.....Product placement in Hollywood movies is really getting out of control. Someone just pitched a film about a Chinese concubine who comes to America in the 1930's to open a seafood restaurant. The working title is "Raise The Red Lobster".

100419- A joke

.....No animals were harmed during the making of this motion picture. The wrap party, on the other hand, is a different story altogether.

100330- A joke

.....Well, there's still three days to go before the remake of "Clash of the Titans" arrives in movie theaters and we've already got a winner for the "first use of 'Release the Kraken!' as a sexual double entendre" office pool. For those of you playing at home, Sandra nailed it with 'an MIT dorm room'.

100326- A joke

.....[Formally Retiring Cliched Jokes]

.....Q: What's black and white and red all over? (#6)
.....A: Frank Miller movies.

100317- A joke

.....For St. Patrick's Day, I felt I should forego tired old cracks about alcohol and leprechauns. I'm not above stealing material (a joke every day without fail is easy some days and nearly impossible others). The thing is, falling back on ethnic stereotypes feels even more lazy than it does offensive. I would like to think I had more self-respect than that. Instead, I'd like to use today's space to send out a warm, traditional Irish welcome to the man who has done the most to keep the spirit and memory of St.Patrick alive in these modern times: Mr. Samuel L. Jackson. Because let's face it, if you're overrun with snakes, who are the two people you think of?

100223- A joke

.....Today an exasperated George Lucas explained to reporters at a press conference-- for the third time-- that the various toy Yoda figures he has sold over the years are not defective and are not being recalled. "They're perfectly safe. My own kids play with them all the time. I can't understand where these stories are coming from. I never have problems like this in Japan."

100214- A joke

.....This year we are blessed with the rare occassion of Chinese New Year's Day falling on the same day as Valentine's Day. It's so unusual that we actually don't have any prepared rituals or customs to commemorate it... so, um... uh... go to the video store and rent "Dragonheart"? Does that sound good? No? How about "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon?" That's a love story... among other things... um,... that running across the trees thing looks totally fake, but it's still really beautiful... so, that's kind of like Valentine's Day, right?
.....{Whew... Smoo-o-o-o-oth...}

100213- A joke

.....Japan's greatest strength has always been to improve rather than to innovate. For centuries it has taken the creative works of others (the Chinese, the Americans) in arts and technology and fine tuned them to perfection. For that reason many in the entertainment industry are anxiously awaiting news of Japan's greatest film star, Godzilla, following the much tinier footsteps of American movie actors who have left the high stakes silver screen for the regular work of television sitcoms. At the moment he's still reviewing scripts and nothing has been decided yet, but some contenders are:

• "How I Met Your Mothra"
• "Everybody Loves Radioactivity"
• "Accidently On Tokyo"
• "Mash" (It's not what you're thinking; it's not the acronym. It's kind of... well, it worked better as a pilot than it would as a series.)

100210- A joke

.....The next time some prude asks rhetorically, "Why is there so much sex in the movies and television these days?", you should just tell them the truth: it's because you can't smell the movies. That simple, often overlooked fact is a very large part of maintaining fantasy. You may not notice your own scent, but if you ever had to smell another couple having sex, you'd just get up and leave. If you could smell movies, the only sex scenes would occur in serious, uncompromising art films. All the crap at the multiplex would have gratuitous, cloyingly edited footage of freshly cooked meals.