130106- A joke

Actually, I'm feeling fairly optimistic about the New Year. For one thing, I know for a fact that I'll be exercising more than last year if only because it isn't at all possible for me to exercise any less.

100509- A joke

.....Happy Mothers' Day! The one day when the normally ambiguous phrase "breakfast toast" will never be confused with a testimonial at a morning fund-raiser.

100422- A joke

.....Today is Earth Day. I usually go all out for it. This year I'm going to spend the entire day there.

100405- A joke

.....After Easter there are always some lapsed Catholics who wonder why they only go to church three or four times a year. They weren't all traumatized by power-tripping clergy; some just drift away. For them, I think it's because the organization obsesses over its own hierarchy, which is needlessly elaborate and byzantine. For instance, non-Catholics are aware of major holidays like Christmas, Easter, All Saints Day, Ash Wednesday, etc., but they probably don't realize that every date on the calendar is a Catholic holiday of some kind or another. It's because there are more saints than there are days in a year. The Vatican just refuses to let go of any excuse for bureaucracy, plain and simple. Today is a perfect example: April 5th is St. Smedley Day, named for Smedley, the patron saint of comic-opera naval officers. Tomorrow is set aside for Ste. Ratchettatatata, Our Lady of Rotary Phones. Does anybody still pray to her? The last I heard, the abbess tending her shrine had been deaf for years. I say the Vatican should establish a hall of fame and retire inactive saints just to streamline the schedule. If you have any saints in mind that everyone else has forgotten and would like to see them step aside for more relevant saints, leave a note in the comments.

100404- A joke

.....You don't hear people complain too much about the commercialization of Easter the same way they complain about the commercialization of Christmas. It could be that Easter coincides with most people's spring cleaning and they're psychologically more prepared to divest themselves of material clutter and clear things out than to 'harvest' doo-dads at year's end. They devote less time to outdoor light displays when the nights get shorter and the sun's arc takes it higher. Then, there's the simple fact that most of the pop-culture trappings we associate with both holidays were clearly stolen from pagan rites and customs with the deliberate purpose of undermining what were then rival faiths. Knowing this, early state governments in this country banned most Christmas celebrations for years. No such outrage over Easter. Of course, when you think about it, exchanging traditional, historical imagery such as crucifixion (Sado-Masochism) and resurrection (necromancy) for purloined pagan fertility symbols like chocolate (opiates) and rabbits (sex addiction) might just be seen as an upgrade in some quarters.

100320- A joke

.....Today's the first day of spring. According to the calendar, anyway. With climate changes the past few years, the 'first robin' has been around for a couple of weeks. We may need to nominate a new sign of spring. How about "the first television series cancellation announcements"? "First shirtless jogger"? Or even, "first movie scheduled for Christmas DVD release"?

100317- A joke

.....For St. Patrick's Day, I felt I should forego tired old cracks about alcohol and leprechauns. I'm not above stealing material (a joke every day without fail is easy some days and nearly impossible others). The thing is, falling back on ethnic stereotypes feels even more lazy than it does offensive. I would like to think I had more self-respect than that. Instead, I'd like to use today's space to send out a warm, traditional Irish welcome to the man who has done the most to keep the spirit and memory of St.Patrick alive in these modern times: Mr. Samuel L. Jackson. Because let's face it, if you're overrun with snakes, who are the two people you think of?

100315- A joke

.....If you have an airplane that starts to break up at half the speed of sound, does that mean you should beware the ides of Mach?

100215- A joke

.....Regardless of what you may have heard, today is not Presidents' Day. Lincoln was born Feb. 12th and Washington was born Feb. 22nd. Nobody was ever born on "whatever Monday is". No, today is a holiday so popular we have it several times a year. It's Cheap Candy Day! Right along with July 5th, November 1st, December 26th and Whatever Monday Is in April.